I always used to push people away from me (the list included even my beloved ones) whenever they advanced to support me where I was lacking.
Sometimes I did it wilfully and sometimes I didn’t even realize I’m pushing them away.
I had this deep rooted desire to appear capable and strong all the time. Pushing people away did help me feel independent for a short time but later on this feeling had turned into feeling of vulnerability and isolation.
This for sure annoyed those who really cared about me especially my family and my close friends.
They were barely able to figure out the reasons for my resentment. I often overheard them discussing me, as they really wanted to help but I wasn’t letting them being an intruder even.
Time and again I used to have this self talk where I pondered upon my such behaviour and often asked myself “Why do I behave like that, after all everyone is just trying to help or support?”
I decided to start paying attention to my behaviour and consciously observed my each and every word / actions when faced with such instances.
After thinking about it and researching, I came to the conclusion that most of my behaviour was the result of my Low Self Esteem which decreased my sense of self control.
Yes, It was difficult for me to believe this for myself. Afterall, all through my life I was too careful about what I was feeding my mind too, still I let this manifest into my thoughts and actions.
This brought me to an understanding that whatever I was putting my focus on was not breeding positive results.
I decided to reconstruct my malfunctioned thoughts and behaviour patterns and concluded reasons for my break down.
Here is a quick inventory of the sources from where the Low Self Esteem had cropped up in my mind.
- I expected too much from me and my life and started setting unrealistic goals for myself.
- I was stuck in a certain pattern of decision making. This wasn’t serving me well but I couldn’t care to alter my ways. Because of which I made a few bad choices for my life.
- I had certain fixed thought patterns, which became my habit. One of them was putting others at a superior place and considering myself lesser. Whatever we practice becomes our habit.
I decided to reconstruct my thought pattern and tried to overcome these self critical thoughts which made me feel unworthy and unloving.
- I chose my actions consciously and started living in the moment unaffected by the hurts from the past and worries of the future.
- I learnt to respond to my fears which were impacting my emotions and actions.
- Wrote a journal about everything, my thoughts, actions – reactions, almost everything. Our thoughts and feeling are locked in our subconscious mind, writing them can help to bring them to our awareness.
- I stopped judging myself. I simply accepted myself, my experiences, my failures and my successes without any pride or shame.
- I stopped the autopilot thinking which used to jump every time to please everyone.
These were few ways that helped me. The list can definitely have few more ways.
Share with me what worked for you if you ever faced this feeling of inadequacy.
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Million Rising Suns 